This is Part 7 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
Thanks everyone for the very kind words and messages, and apologies for not responding to everyone yet. But to answer the most common question, no, no update so far; you and I both must be patient. Due to real life, D has not had a chance to read most of these posts… and I knew he wouldn’t have time for a while even when I put them up. When he does, it will likely take time to digest. I’m not going to rush it, hard as that is for me.But I want to share some humor with you in the meantime. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m feeling pretty exposed. And I have no control over when he reads this or how he may take it. So what do I do?  Well today I’ve cleaned like a mad woman and listened to Rage Against the Machine. And I mean I cleaned. Awhile ago, I was scrubbing the thing that holds the toilet brush, and singing along… "Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me… Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me… FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME… MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR!!!"  OK, so I’ve always cleaned as a way to get control of my life or clear my head, but seriously… I’ve never cleaned the toilet brush holder. I stood there holding it and thinking about the lyrics and just had to laugh at myself. Control freak much? I need to settle down.

This is Part 7 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

Thanks everyone for the very kind words and messages, and apologies for not responding to everyone yet. But to answer the most common question, no, no update so far; you and I both must be patient. Due to real life, D has not had a chance to read most of these posts… and I knew he wouldn’t have time for a while even when I put them up. When he does, it will likely take time to digest. I’m not going to rush it, hard as that is for me.

But I want to share some humor with you in the meantime. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m feeling pretty exposed. And I have no control over when he reads this or how he may take it. So what do I do?  Well today I’ve cleaned like a mad woman and listened to Rage Against the Machine. And I mean I cleaned. Awhile ago, I was scrubbing the thing that holds the toilet brush, and singing along"Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me… Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me… FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME… MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR!!!"  OK, so I’ve always cleaned as a way to get control of my life or clear my head, but seriously… I’ve never cleaned the toilet brush holder. I stood there holding it and thinking about the lyrics and just had to laugh at myself. Control freak much? I need to settle down.

This is Part 6 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends.”  ―Albert CamusSo, that was a grotesque amount of writing, which I dearly hope my Love will wait to read until he has peace and quiet, and a laptop rather than an iPhone.  I hope I’ve pieced together something coherent from the scraps of my saved drafts and notes to myself over the past few weeks. I’ll find out in time. 
At the present moment, I’m filled with more nauseous dread than excitement.  A little while ago, I actually wondered which posts he had seen, and whether I could take them all down and tell him that I’d had a change of heart… to just forget the whole thing. Not because I fear putting it into practice.  No, I still think it it fits us to a tee, and would make us both feel whole, individually and as a couple.  I just realized that I’d totally exposed myself, that’s all.  I feel very naked. I opened up a big-assed chunk of my mind here, ripe for rejection. It is, by leaps and bounds, the longest love letter I’ve ever written.  I’m terrified.  But I’m going to leave it out here. I need to.  His verdict will be just that—his.  Because regardless of which parts of this he agrees with or chooses to act upon, I am, from here on out, giving him a voice.  I love you, D. 
sheslostcontrol-again:

“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends.”  ―Albert Camus

This is Part 6 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends.”  ―Albert Camus

So, that was a grotesque amount of writing, which I dearly hope my Love will wait to read until he has peace and quiet, and a laptop rather than an iPhone.  I hope I’ve pieced together something coherent from the scraps of my saved drafts and notes to myself over the past few weeks. I’ll find out in time.

At the present moment, I’m filled with more nauseous dread than excitement.  A little while ago, I actually wondered which posts he had seen, and whether I could take them all down and tell him that I’d had a change of heart… to just forget the whole thing. Not because I fear putting it into practice.  No, I still think it it fits us to a tee, and would make us both feel whole, individually and as a couple.  I just realized that I’d totally exposed myself, that’s all.  I feel very naked. I opened up a big-assed chunk of my mind here, ripe for rejection. It is, by leaps and bounds, the longest love letter I’ve ever written.  I’m terrified.  But I’m going to leave it out here. I need to.  His verdict will be just that—his.  Because regardless of which parts of this he agrees with or chooses to act upon, I am, from here on out, giving him a voice.  I love you, D.

sheslostcontrol-again:

“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends.”  ―Albert Camus

This is Part 5 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
"The sexual life of adult women is a dark continent for psychology." -SIGMUND FREUD
My Love, one of your first questions was both fair and expected. “Is this really just about sex?” My immediate answer was no. The real answer is, yes and no. It’s about creating peace between us by helping me find the soft vulnerability that makes me feminine and teaching me to not be ashamed of it, and by restoring you to a place where you can be proud to be masculine and feel like a respected leader. It’s about letting me feel cherished and protected, and letting you feel strong and needed. It’s about finding a more direct and immediate way for us to each release emotions rather than withdrawing for hours or days into the silence and resentment that we use now to deal with conflict. 
One result is likely to be an even better sex life, but that’s not the goal. Because a relationship like this will make you feel more masculine and me feel more feminine throughout the day, those animalistic tendencies that drive us in the bedroom will be resting right there on the surface more often. When your dominant streak comes out even now, it’s all I can do to keep my hands off of you. Weaving that into the way we live and do things will probably make everyday activities feel more sexual to both of us, just as a side-effect. 
The other side of the coin is this. Spanking is erotic, even when that isn’t the goal. You get to enjoy the view of a round, bare bottom draped over your knee, and you get the testosterone rush of being in charge of what happens to that bottom. As you choose, you get to lift a skirt and yank down a pair of panties to get there, or you may direct me to do so. As for me, you know that I’ve always liked our play spankings in the bedroom. But you may not know why. It’s because of what it does in my head. I’m not a pain slut. I don’t get off on the sting of your hand or the heat a good paddling can create. I get off on the power exchange, and on feeling you completely take charge physically. I get off on the adrenaline rush created from being helpless and entrusting my safety to someone who is bigger than I am. It’s not the same as the emotional vulnerability I’ve already mentioned, but they’re definitely related. And as hard as it is to admit, I identify with many of the women I’ve read who describe discipline as a cathartic. I’ve read over and over, their accounts of how free and confident and joyful they feel after a good cry, and how connected they feel to their partners afterward as they’re comforted in their arms. I’m embarrassed to admit that I long for that kind of emotional release. 
However, understand this: I am NOT asking for this because our sex life is lacking. It’s certainly not. We communicate honestly and openly with each other about what we want in bed, and those talks are easy for us. We are at our best in the bedroom. And guess what. You lead in the bedroom now. I’m no dead fish, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually taken charge in bed, and generally that just means holding you down and smothering your face with my pussy - something that you could actually stop with one swift hand movement if you wanted to. I don’t ask you to take charge, you just do it naturally. And you always seem to know what’s best for both of us. You are not a selfish lover… you take it upon yourself to meet both of our needs and you do so flawlessly. I’m asking for this because I want to get along like that during the rest of the day. I want to feel that seamless connection when we click more often. So no, it’s not about improving our sex life or play-acting out some extended kink, but yes, sometimes it will be about sex anyway.
One clarification that is simple in my mind but very hard to put into words is this.  This is not about creating a Daddy/Little Girl relationship. I do not have fantasies that involve age play, incest, pedophilia, etc. However, I do like it very much when you make me feel small.  Not small like young, and not small like belittled… small and secure, like something precious that can be wrapped up and protected.  It’s why I’m at my most content when I’m drifting to sleep with your cock in my hand, or when you whisper a soft “that’s my girl” to encourage me in bed, or when I’m laying in your lap as you rub my back, stroke my hair, pat my bottom… it’s a safe, small feeling that’s hard to describe.In a dark moment of real self-examination over all of this, I also realized that for me, this may actually help me manage my own sex drive. No, I’m not saying it will decrease.  I can’t ever imagine that happening, don’t worry.  But we’ve had our fair share of disagreements that spawn from my tendency to overreact when you’re not in the mood.  Yes this comes from my past experiences and fears over being continually rejected in bed.  But I don’t think it’s just that anymore.  When I overreact to you, I think I’ve been craving the affection and connectedness that we find in bed. Our sex centers me and especially after we’ve had arguments or tension, it centers us. And if you’re not in the mood, I feel like you’re withholding all of that. Our sex life is amazing Babe, but it shouldn’t be the only path we have to feel that level of connection. 
So the “is this about sex” question clearly has no simple answer.  It will be, yes. But this stuff here is, I believe, nearly the whole reason why men believe that women are complicated. Everything is about sex to us, and nothing is “just” about sex to us.

This is Part 5 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

"The sexual life of adult women is a dark continent for psychology." -SIGMUND FREUD

My Love, one of your first questions was both fair and expected. “Is this really just about sex?” My immediate answer was no. The real answer is, yes and no. It’s about creating peace between us by helping me find the soft vulnerability that makes me feminine and teaching me to not be ashamed of it, and by restoring you to a place where you can be proud to be masculine and feel like a respected leader. It’s about letting me feel cherished and protected, and letting you feel strong and needed. It’s about finding a more direct and immediate way for us to each release emotions rather than withdrawing for hours or days into the silence and resentment that we use now to deal with conflict.

One result is likely to be an even better sex life, but that’s not the goal. Because a relationship like this will make you feel more masculine and me feel more feminine throughout the day, those animalistic tendencies that drive us in the bedroom will be resting right there on the surface more often. When your dominant streak comes out even now, it’s all I can do to keep my hands off of you. Weaving that into the way we live and do things will probably make everyday activities feel more sexual to both of us, just as a side-effect.

The other side of the coin is this. Spanking is erotic, even when that isn’t the goal. You get to enjoy the view of a round, bare bottom draped over your knee, and you get the testosterone rush of being in charge of what happens to that bottom. As you choose, you get to lift a skirt and yank down a pair of panties to get there, or you may direct me to do so. As for me, you know that I’ve always liked our play spankings in the bedroom. But you may not know why. It’s because of what it does in my head. I’m not a pain slut. I don’t get off on the sting of your hand or the heat a good paddling can create. I get off on the power exchange, and on feeling you completely take charge physically. I get off on the adrenaline rush created from being helpless and entrusting my safety to someone who is bigger than I am. It’s not the same as the emotional vulnerability I’ve already mentioned, but they’re definitely related. And as hard as it is to admit, I identify with many of the women I’ve read who describe discipline as a cathartic. I’ve read over and over, their accounts of how free and confident and joyful they feel after a good cry, and how connected they feel to their partners afterward as they’re comforted in their arms. I’m embarrassed to admit that I long for that kind of emotional release.

However, understand this: I am NOT asking for this because our sex life is lacking. It’s certainly not. We communicate honestly and openly with each other about what we want in bed, and those talks are easy for us. We are at our best in the bedroom. And guess what. You lead in the bedroom now. I’m no dead fish, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually taken charge in bed, and generally that just means holding you down and smothering your face with my pussy - something that you could actually stop with one swift hand movement if you wanted to. I don’t ask you to take charge, you just do it naturally. And you always seem to know what’s best for both of us. You are not a selfish lover… you take it upon yourself to meet both of our needs and you do so flawlessly. I’m asking for this because I want to get along like that during the rest of the day. I want to feel that seamless connection when we click more often. So no, it’s not about improving our sex life or play-acting out some extended kink, but yes, sometimes it will be about sex anyway.

One clarification that is simple in my mind but very hard to put into words is this.  This is not about creating a Daddy/Little Girl relationship. I do not have fantasies that involve age play, incest, pedophilia, etc. However, I do like it very much when you make me feel small.  Not small like young, and not small like belittled… small and secure, like something precious that can be wrapped up and protected.  It’s why I’m at my most content when I’m drifting to sleep with your cock in my hand, or when you whisper a soft “that’s my girl” to encourage me in bed, or when I’m laying in your lap as you rub my back, stroke my hair, pat my bottom… it’s a safe, small feeling that’s hard to describe.

In a dark moment of real self-examination over all of this, I also realized that for me, this may actually help me manage my own sex drive. No, I’m not saying it will decrease.  I can’t ever imagine that happening, don’t worry.  But we’ve had our fair share of disagreements that spawn from my tendency to overreact when you’re not in the mood.  Yes this comes from my past experiences and fears over being continually rejected in bed.  But I don’t think it’s just that anymore.  When I overreact to you, I think I’ve been craving the affection and connectedness that we find in bed. Our sex centers me and especially after we’ve had arguments or tension, it centers us. And if you’re not in the mood, I feel like you’re withholding all of that. Our sex life is amazing Babe, but it shouldn’t be the only path we have to feel that level of connection.

So the “is this about sex” question clearly has no simple answer.  It will be, yes. But this stuff here is, I believe, nearly the whole reason why men believe that women are complicated. Everything is about sex to us, and nothing is “just” about sex to us.

This is Part 4 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
“Domestic What?”
Love, this was likely your first question. And I’ve only left it lie this long because I needed to tell you how I got here - what kinds of thoughts led me here. I hope I’ve done that. So now to the real question. What is Domestic Discipline? The only answer I’ve found is that it’s different for everyone. Some call it Domestic Discipline, some call it Taken In Hand… and like me, lots of folks find that nobody else’s definition works for them, and they just call it This Thing We Do (TTWD). For us, I don’t know what it might look like or what you may or may not agree to. So for now, I’ll go with TTWMD - this thing we might do. 
I’m also glad I left this question until later, because I finally stumbled upon a better explanation than I could ever muster on my own. Here, after several women begged this blogger for his help, is the male perspective… written as a man-to-man conversation. I agree with about 95% of what’s here. I only differ where blame is concerned—I take responsibility for creating our current dynamic, whereas this letter puts more blame on the man than I think is fair in our situation. But 95% of it hits the nail on the head, so rather than try to reinvent the wheel, here it is:Dear Head of the House (HOH),Your partner has gathered up the courage to ask something of you that you never saw coming. Please understand how vulnerable she is making herself simply by bringing up the subject. She’s hoping you won’t think less of her. And she certainly doesn’t want to be ridiculed. She would never have come to you with this if it weren’t for two things. First, she needs you very much. She’s tired of going it alone and trying to live according to a cultural standard that just doesn’t work for her. She picked you for her mate because you have strength that she especially needs. Second, she trusts you. She knows that if you take on this role, it might be painful for her at times, but she knows she’ll be safe in your hands.She trusts you. She needs you. What more does a man need to launch him into action? These are the things that touch the core of our souls and inspire us to be and do whatever it takes to fulfill our responsibility. I’m not telling you to be bullying or violent. I’m not telling you to motivate her with rage and intimidation. I’m suggesting that you need to lead this relationship. Take the initiative and recognize what the needs of the relationship are. Show some confidence in directing how you and she will live with each other. Spanking won’t work for most women, but yours has asked you for it. What are you going to do?There are specific reasons why a woman wants/needs her partner to use spanking as a partial means to enforce his leadership. She needs to know that you’re strong enough to be the leader. She doesn’t like being in the leader’s position. She’ll do it if it’s needed. In fact, many men have abdicated their role as leaders and have taken on a passive, even disinterested position, waiting for the woman to tell them what to do for the relationship. The woman will step into the empty position that you’re not filling, but unless the man is incapacitated with illness or injury, she resents it.However, giving up the leadership position isn’t always easy. She needs you to demonstrate that you are in charge. For some, a spanking firmly establishes both your roles.Women don’t like to be nags. In fact, they really hate it. They hate it so much that they’ll sometimes graduate from nagging to bitchy (sorry ladies). They don’t want to be your momma and they don’t want you to be a little boy. They want a lover and a leader.Of course, it can become a habit to nag. Perhaps they were raised with parents where the woman had to nag. If you are head of the household, take initiative in making things right in the house, the home, and the relationship. Part of that role is insisting that you be treated with respect, just as you should treat her with respect. Sometimes that means correcting long term behavior—like nagging. And when it has been mutually agreed on, spanking is used to make that correction. Spanking is for discipline. Sometimes it’s for punishment but also for direction. It’s a means of helping the woman do those things that are important for her welfare as well as for the welfare of the home. Some men spank their partners if they don’t take care of themselves though exercise, diet, etc. I sometimes spank my wife if she hasn’t done enough artwork—because that’s something that’s really good for her. I also use spanking if she neglects her daily tasks because it keeps the house, her world, and our lives in order. Spanking keeps the chaos at bay. There are things your partner should be doing. You both know it. But she needs your leadership to get her moving. If she has told you spanking helps her do it, then be grateful you have a definite means of action to improve your lives.Spanking resets her. Women have to struggle in ways that we can’t imagine when it comes to hormones. The monthly cycle that really isn’t that regular, PMS, pre-menopause, then menopause—I don’t how all that feels but I see that it can drive them crazy. Even after years, we’ll get surprised by the emotional storm that can come from our sweet ladies. Most men adopt a “duck and cover” mode. Some men react meanly with ridicule and reactionary anger. But what they really need is for us to recognize that they are struggling, face their emotional storm calmly without getting offended, and take action.In a DD relationship, spanking is used to stabilize the woman during these hormonal storms. Many women have written in their blogs about how much it helps them get through the worst of it. Of course, you have to take an experimental approach. Some things work, some don’t. Spanking brings conflict to an end and helps you move on. I have a rule for myself. If I’ve spanked my wife for something she did wrong, I can’t bring it up again the next time I’m upset about something—that’s a petty, passive aggressive form of punishment. BTW, when you do something wrong, be the leader, own up to it, and correct it without anyone telling you. "But shouldn’t SHE do these things on her own without my insisting on it? If she loves me why can’t she act like she should on her own?”When she asks for your help by spanking her, she’s done something pretty drastic, don’t you think? She’s telling you that your life together is so important that she’ll take your direction. I’m going to go ahead and say it although it sounds terribly chauvinistic: We are supposed to be the leaders. We’re supposed to show some strength and take on this role. I’m not claiming that we’re better—far from it. But we are supposed to do what we were designed to do and that’s to lead the family. Spanking your woman, even if she has given overall consent, is not easy. She’s not going to make it easy. She’ll argue, she’ll get mad. Don’t expect her to say, “Right honey. I know I deserve this. I appreciate your doing this for me.” But she does. You have to be strong enough to override her resistance. It’s part of earning her respect. Spanking is an intimate activity. It’s private. It requires vulnerability. It hurts. It helps. It might lead to sex, but it might not. It requires your wisdom, restraint, and courage. And it’s not for everybody.But if your partner has asked for it, you should consider stepping up to do it.—MickD, I told you once long ago that you had more testosterone in your little finger than all my other partners combined had in their whole bodies. It’s the reason why there are things you say that would have sounded cartoonish coming from others, but make my knees turn to jelly coming from you. 
But you don’t give yourself that credit very often. You’ve been taught to ignore or bury that dominant streak. Most men have these days. Our society insists that women aren’t just equal, they’re entitled. Being liberated has come to mean that we can treat our men like shit - after all, they are big dumb animals, right?  And if we trust them to know when to wipe their own asses, we get what we deserve, right? How many sitcoms and TV commercials today rest their punch lines on the assumption that the man of the house has fucked up something bone-headedly simple? 
As you already know, I’ve always found that type of humor distasteful, much like I’ve always disliked women who draw attention to themselves by putting down their men in public. Yet men who have tried to push back on this stereotype are labeled as at best, old fashioned, and at worst, women-hating chauvinist pigs. Babe, I want you to push back on it. For me, and for us.

Full credit to Mick from Husbandly Touch for his letter.

This is Part 4 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

Domestic What?

Love, this was likely your first question. And I’ve only left it lie this long because I needed to tell you how I got here - what kinds of thoughts led me here. I hope I’ve done that. So now to the real question. What is Domestic Discipline? The only answer I’ve found is that it’s different for everyone. Some call it Domestic Discipline, some call it Taken In Hand… and like me, lots of folks find that nobody else’s definition works for them, and they just call it This Thing We Do (TTWD). For us, I don’t know what it might look like or what you may or may not agree to. So for now, I’ll go with TTWMD - this thing we might do.

I’m also glad I left this question until later, because I finally stumbled upon a better explanation than I could ever muster on my own. Here, after several women begged this blogger for his help, is the male perspective… written as a man-to-man conversation. I agree with about 95% of what’s here. I only differ where blame is concerned—I take responsibility for creating our current dynamic, whereas this letter puts more blame on the man than I think is fair in our situation. But 95% of it hits the nail on the head, so rather than try to reinvent the wheel, here it is:

Dear Head of the House (HOH),

Your partner has gathered up the courage to ask something of you that you never saw coming. Please understand how vulnerable she is making herself simply by bringing up the subject. She’s hoping you won’t think less of her. And she certainly doesn’t want to be ridiculed.

She would never have come to you with this if it weren’t for two things. First, she needs you very much. She’s tired of going it alone and trying to live according to a cultural standard that just doesn’t work for her. She picked you for her mate because you have strength that she especially needs. Second, she trusts you. She knows that if you take on this role, it might be painful for her at times, but she knows she’ll be safe in your hands.

She trusts you. She needs you. What more does a man need to launch him into action? These are the things that touch the core of our souls and inspire us to be and do whatever it takes to fulfill our responsibility.

I’m not telling you to be bullying or violent. I’m not telling you to motivate her with rage and intimidation. I’m suggesting that you need to lead this relationship. Take the initiative and recognize what the needs of the relationship are. Show some confidence in directing how you and she will live with each other.

Spanking won’t work for most women, but yours has asked you for it. What are you going to do?

There are specific reasons why a woman wants/needs her partner to use spanking as a partial means to enforce his leadership.

She needs to know that you’re strong enough to be the leader. She doesn’t like being in the leader’s position. She’ll do it if it’s needed. In fact, many men have abdicated their role as leaders and have taken on a passive, even disinterested position, waiting for the woman to tell them what to do for the relationship. The woman will step into the empty position that you’re not filling, but unless the man is incapacitated with illness or injury, she resents it.

However, giving up the leadership position isn’t always easy. She needs you to demonstrate that you are in charge. For some, a spanking firmly establishes both your roles.

Women don’t like to be nags. In fact, they really hate it. They hate it so much that they’ll sometimes graduate from nagging to bitchy (sorry ladies). They don’t want to be your momma and they don’t want you to be a little boy. They want a lover and a leader.

Of course, it can become a habit to nag. Perhaps they were raised with parents where the woman had to nag. If you are head of the household, take initiative in making things right in the house, the home, and the relationship. Part of that role is insisting that you be treated with respect, just as you should treat her with respect. Sometimes that means correcting long term behavior—like nagging. And when it has been mutually agreed on, spanking is used to make that correction.

Spanking is for discipline. Sometimes it’s for punishment but also for direction. It’s a means of helping the woman do those things that are important for her welfare as well as for the welfare of the home. Some men spank their partners if they don’t take care of themselves though exercise, diet, etc. I sometimes spank my wife if she hasn’t done enough artwork—because that’s something that’s really good for her. I also use spanking if she neglects her daily tasks because it keeps the house, her world, and our lives in order. Spanking keeps the chaos at bay.

There are things your partner should be doing. You both know it. But she needs your leadership to get her moving. If she has told you spanking helps her do it, then be grateful you have a definite means of action to improve your lives.

Spanking resets her. Women have to struggle in ways that we can’t imagine when it comes to hormones. The monthly cycle that really isn’t that regular, PMS, pre-menopause, then menopause—I don’t how all that feels but I see that it can drive them crazy. Even after years, we’ll get surprised by the emotional storm that can come from our sweet ladies. Most men adopt a “duck and cover” mode. Some men react meanly with ridicule and reactionary anger. But what they really need is for us to recognize that they are struggling, face their emotional storm calmly without getting offended, and take action.

In a DD relationship, spanking is used to stabilize the woman during these hormonal storms. Many women have written in their blogs about how much it helps them get through the worst of it. Of course, you have to take an experimental approach. Some things work, some don’t.

Spanking brings conflict to an end and helps you move on. I have a rule for myself. If I’ve spanked my wife for something she did wrong, I can’t bring it up again the next time I’m upset about something—that’s a petty, passive aggressive form of punishment. BTW, when you do something wrong, be the leader, own up to it, and correct it without anyone telling you.

"But shouldn’t SHE do these things on her own without my insisting on it? If she loves me why can’t she act like she should on her own?

When she asks for your help by spanking her, she’s done something pretty drastic, don’t you think? She’s telling you that your life together is so important that she’ll take your direction.

I’m going to go ahead and say it although it sounds terribly chauvinistic: We are supposed to be the leaders. We’re supposed to show some strength and take on this role. I’m not claiming that we’re better—far from it. But we are supposed to do what we were designed to do and that’s to lead the family.

Spanking your woman, even if she has given overall consent, is not easy. She’s not going to make it easy. She’ll argue, she’ll get mad. Don’t expect her to say, “Right honey. I know I deserve this. I appreciate your doing this for me.” But she does. You have to be strong enough to override her resistance. It’s part of earning her respect.

Spanking is an intimate activity. It’s private. It requires vulnerability. It hurts. It helps. It might lead to sex, but it might not. It requires your wisdom, restraint, and courage. And it’s not for everybody.

But if your partner has asked for it, you should consider stepping up to do it.

—Mick

D, I told you once long ago that you had more testosterone in your little finger than all my other partners combined had in their whole bodies. It’s the reason why there are things you say that would have sounded cartoonish coming from others, but make my knees turn to jelly coming from you.

But you don’t give yourself that credit very often. You’ve been taught to ignore or bury that dominant streak. Most men have these days. Our society insists that women aren’t just equal, they’re entitled. Being liberated has come to mean that we can treat our men like shit - after all, they are big dumb animals, right?  And if we trust them to know when to wipe their own asses, we get what we deserve, right? How many sitcoms and TV commercials today rest their punch lines on the assumption that the man of the house has fucked up something bone-headedly simple?

As you already know, I’ve always found that type of humor distasteful, much like I’ve always disliked women who draw attention to themselves by putting down their men in public. Yet men who have tried to push back on this stereotype are labeled as at best, old fashioned, and at worst, women-hating chauvinist pigs. Babe, I want you to push back on it. For me, and for us.


Full credit to Mick from Husbandly Touch for his letter.

(via xspanked-masters-petx)

This is Part 3 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
"There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid!!" 
My mother and grandmother used to tell me this rhyme, and say that it was written about me. Perhaps. I’ve been thinking about it lately though as a description for us. Friends, I’ve tried in the past not to dwell on it here, but D and I have a bit of a… fiery relationship. When it’s good it’s incredible. But when it’s bad… oh man. 
My Love, I told you the other night that your strength and masculinity drew me to you from the beginning. It opened a vulnerability in me that I’d never felt. It made me feel feminine in a way that was new and unfamiliar and delicious. That vulnerability was easy in the beginning. It’s not easy now. I’ve built up old familiar walls to protect myself. My guard is up. As I’ve really thought this through over the past few weeks, I’ve realized it’s something I’ve done my whole life. I was raised to be a strong independent woman. In my earlier years, I was drawn to laid back men who let me lead—wanted me to lead. I learned it as my role, and learned vulnerability equals weakness. But looking back, I didn’t really like leading my men. And when I found you, I knew immediately that you were different. You were the man of my fantasies, in more ways than one. You opened up that vulnerable part of me that I had never allowed out. But when things got rough, that was the first part of me that I shut down. I got bossy and controlling to protect myself, and you turned to the familiar patterns that have allowed you to tolerate all of the other bossy and controlling women in your life. You got passive, quiet, and resentful. You backed down and allowed me to lead, not just our household, but the tone of our relationship. I’m not blaming you. I understand why. You’ve spent your life having to choose to either go with the flow or live alone. I don’t want you to have to make that choice anymore Babe. 
Thanks in part to those same women, you are very sensitive to criticism, so much so that you see it often when it doesn’t exist. It’s been a great source of frustration for me, but one that I’ve come to understand completely as I’ve gotten more acquainted with these women. You are so accustomed to being nagged, criticized, blamed, berated, and put down, (and to seeing other men get the same treatment), that it’s hard for you to hear anything else. I keep telling you that I’m different, that you take me wrong, that you think the worst of my words and actions when they’re actually well-intentioned. But at the same point, I realize now that I bear a responsibility here too. We had an argument over the weekend where I was hurt and frustrated by what I thought was you overreacting to a small comment from me. After talking it out, we both realized that it wasn’t so much what I said, but the fact that I didn’t say what you were expecting. You were expecting “Good call, Babe!” because you’d had a good idea (and yes it really was a very good idea)… and when you were met with a question instead, it stung you. 
That’s made me think very hard about how much a kind word from me must mean to you, and in turn, how rarely I offer one up. I realized that I don’t separate kind actions from kind words in my mind. I shower you with affection (I often wonder if it’s too much affection) and, particularly on days like that one, I take care of a ton of household duties that make a day run smoothly. And I feel like those things go unnoticed or unappreciated. But in reality, I think it’s just that the things I do don’t outweigh the rarity with which I give you a voice in our home. And so to you, it just feels like my efforts are controlling rather than loving, and makes you feel picked on and beat down by yet another woman. 
So I’m asking you to stand up to me. Help me be a kinder, softer person. You told me once, very long ago, that being with me made you want to be a better person. It’s still one of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said to me, and I’m humbled by it. What I’m saying here is, that being with you makes me want to be a better person too, and in particular, a better person to you. I’ve been saying for months that I want us to be a team. But I don’t think I backed it up with my own behavior. 
I know this will be scary for both of us. A woman baring her vulnerability is like an animal showing its belly. Here is my throat, I am trusting you not to slit it open. Here are my insides, please do not trample them. Here is the real me, please do not reject it. But it’s scary for the man too, knowing that if he displays real confidence and leadership, that it may be mocked or ignored. That it will be tested and he will have to either back down, or see what happens when he pushes back. He fears failing at leadership, or becoming a leader with no followers. Babe, I know I will test you, but I promise it won’t be intentional. Please push back. And I know I’ll feel exposed and alone at times as we work through this too. I believe we’ll overcome it, but I don’t expect this to change either of us overnight. 
For some couples, this kind of relationship is about changing behaviors. But for many more, it’s simply about changing the tone, which is what I’m talking about here… at least to start. So for now, we can start with respectful communication. Here is what I want from myself: 
Hear you out without judgment or interruption 
Respond to you with gentle kindness, sweetness, and grace 
Give you credit for good ideas 
Make sure you can tell that I value your opinion, even when I don’t share it 
Tell you plainly when you hurt my feelings without snapping, being accusatory, or withdrawing into silence 
Communicate when I feel needy or down or out of sorts, rather than hoping you’ll read my mind 
Ask you for help when I need it rather than expecting you to know I need it automatically 
I have thoughts on how this may change you too, but I’ll share those with you privately. But know this: This type of relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t turn to me for help with the things I’m good at. It doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for my input or opinion, or that you are supposed to ignore it when it’s offered. It absolutely does not mean that you can’t lean on me when you need to… I still want to be needed too, and I’m not abandoning you or my responsibilities in this. I’m partnering with you. 
I’m trusting you to push back—to not let me walk all over you. I want to show you the respect that you deserve, I really do. I just need practice. I need you to consistently draw my attention to it when I lapse. And I told you the other night, I know you have it in you. You don’t see it, but I see it all the time, right under the surface. Just know that I love you, and I would not ask something of you if I didn’t know you could do it.

This is Part 3 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

"There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid!!"

My mother and grandmother used to tell me this rhyme, and say that it was written about me. Perhaps. I’ve been thinking about it lately though as a description for us. Friends, I’ve tried in the past not to dwell on it here, but D and I have a bit of a… fiery relationship. When it’s good it’s incredible. But when it’s bad… oh man.

My Love, I told you the other night that your strength and masculinity drew me to you from the beginning. It opened a vulnerability in me that I’d never felt. It made me feel feminine in a way that was new and unfamiliar and delicious. That vulnerability was easy in the beginning. It’s not easy now. I’ve built up old familiar walls to protect myself. My guard is up. As I’ve really thought this through over the past few weeks, I’ve realized it’s something I’ve done my whole life. I was raised to be a strong independent woman. In my earlier years, I was drawn to laid back men who let me lead—wanted me to lead. I learned it as my role, and learned vulnerability equals weakness. But looking back, I didn’t really like leading my men. And when I found you, I knew immediately that you were different. You were the man of my fantasies, in more ways than one. You opened up that vulnerable part of me that I had never allowed out. But when things got rough, that was the first part of me that I shut down. I got bossy and controlling to protect myself, and you turned to the familiar patterns that have allowed you to tolerate all of the other bossy and controlling women in your life. You got passive, quiet, and resentful. You backed down and allowed me to lead, not just our household, but the tone of our relationship. I’m not blaming you. I understand why. You’ve spent your life having to choose to either go with the flow or live alone. I don’t want you to have to make that choice anymore Babe.

Thanks in part to those same women, you are very sensitive to criticism, so much so that you see it often when it doesn’t exist. It’s been a great source of frustration for me, but one that I’ve come to understand completely as I’ve gotten more acquainted with these women. You are so accustomed to being nagged, criticized, blamed, berated, and put down, (and to seeing other men get the same treatment), that it’s hard for you to hear anything else. I keep telling you that I’m different, that you take me wrong, that you think the worst of my words and actions when they’re actually well-intentioned. But at the same point, I realize now that I bear a responsibility here too. We had an argument over the weekend where I was hurt and frustrated by what I thought was you overreacting to a small comment from me. After talking it out, we both realized that it wasn’t so much what I said, but the fact that I didn’t say what you were expecting. You were expecting “Good call, Babe!” because you’d had a good idea (and yes it really was a very good idea)… and when you were met with a question instead, it stung you.

That’s made me think very hard about how much a kind word from me must mean to you, and in turn, how rarely I offer one up. I realized that I don’t separate kind actions from kind words in my mind. I shower you with affection (I often wonder if it’s too much affection) and, particularly on days like that one, I take care of a ton of household duties that make a day run smoothly. And I feel like those things go unnoticed or unappreciated. But in reality, I think it’s just that the things I do don’t outweigh the rarity with which I give you a voice in our home. And so to you, it just feels like my efforts are controlling rather than loving, and makes you feel picked on and beat down by yet another woman.

So I’m asking you to stand up to me. Help me be a kinder, softer person. You told me once, very long ago, that being with me made you want to be a better person. It’s still one of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said to me, and I’m humbled by it. What I’m saying here is, that being with you makes me want to be a better person too, and in particular, a better person to you. I’ve been saying for months that I want us to be a team. But I don’t think I backed it up with my own behavior.

I know this will be scary for both of us. A woman baring her vulnerability is like an animal showing its belly. Here is my throat, I am trusting you not to slit it open. Here are my insides, please do not trample them. Here is the real me, please do not reject it. But it’s scary for the man too, knowing that if he displays real confidence and leadership, that it may be mocked or ignored. That it will be tested and he will have to either back down, or see what happens when he pushes back. He fears failing at leadership, or becoming a leader with no followers. Babe, I know I will test you, but I promise it won’t be intentional. Please push back. And I know I’ll feel exposed and alone at times as we work through this too. I believe we’ll overcome it, but I don’t expect this to change either of us overnight.

For some couples, this kind of relationship is about changing behaviors. But for many more, it’s simply about changing the tone, which is what I’m talking about here… at least to start. So for now, we can start with respectful communication. Here is what I want from myself:

  • Hear you out without judgment or interruption
  • Respond to you with gentle kindness, sweetness, and grace
  • Give you credit for good ideas
  • Make sure you can tell that I value your opinion, even when I don’t share it
  • Tell you plainly when you hurt my feelings without snapping, being accusatory, or withdrawing into silence
  • Communicate when I feel needy or down or out of sorts, rather than hoping you’ll read my mind
  • Ask you for help when I need it rather than expecting you to know I need it automatically

I have thoughts on how this may change you too, but I’ll share those with you privately. But know this: This type of relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t turn to me for help with the things I’m good at. It doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for my input or opinion, or that you are supposed to ignore it when it’s offered. It absolutely does not mean that you can’t lean on me when you need to… I still want to be needed too, and I’m not abandoning you or my responsibilities in this. I’m partnering with you.

I’m trusting you to push back—to not let me walk all over you. I want to show you the respect that you deserve, I really do. I just need practice. I need you to consistently draw my attention to it when I lapse. And I told you the other night, I know you have it in you. You don’t see it, but I see it all the time, right under the surface. Just know that I love you, and I would not ask something of you if I didn’t know you could do it.

(via herdirtylittleheart)

This is Part 2 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be kind?"I saw this quote on one of those cheesy Facebook posts a few weeks ago.  I’d heard it before, but for whatever reason, it’s stuck with me this time.  It’s been gnawing at me.   
I have a bad attitude.  It’s affecting our relationship.  I’ve lost a part of myself that I really liked, and that I also believe D really liked.  I’ve made a private effort at getting it back, and have failed. And so last week, I presented to My Love, clumsily and with much embarrassment, the idea of Domestic Discipline (DD). 
No, I am not talking about the typical type of erotic dominance/submission that you see most often here on Tumblr.  This is not fantasy or role playing.  I’m talking about allowing him to be the respected leader of our household.  I’m talking about becoming a softer, sweeter, and kinder person.  And I’m talking about real consequences for lapsing back into my old habits.  Yes, it involves spanking.  No, it is not primarily about sex (more on that gray area in a later post). 
D is naturally dominant, though he’s not yet convinced of this fact.  And while I’m not naturally submissive, I am naturally drawn to his dominance and masculinity in a way that softens me, and makes me feel whole.  It is the reason I am head over heels for him in a way that I’ve never been for anyone else.  After reading (and reading and reading, as is my nature), I have come to believe that DD could work for us well, make us both happier, and bring a different level of peace to our home.  
As I mentioned though, I presented the idea with much stuttering, into his armpit in the darkness.  I’m a bright, strong, independent, grown woman… to ask to be taken in hand by a man is not the easiest thing I’ve ever done.  I did not do it eloquently.  Naturally he has valid questions, concerns, and fears.  Rather than just forwarding him the giant pile of links to all of the blogs and research that has led me down this path of thinking, I’d rather try to organize my own thoughts here first.  
I’ll probably break this into several posts, because otherwise it’s going to be very long and generally unmanageable.  I also welcome your comments in my ask box… but please keep it constructive.  Keep in mind that I am not asking for him to be domineering, to treat me like less than his equal, to abuse me physically or emotionally, to infantilize me or treat me like a child, or to use his authority to manipulate me in unhealthy or selfish ways.  This is not abuse.  This is a willing and consensual transfer of power.  Please also understand that this is only under consideration at this point.  Though I may slip into the present tense as I’m describing my ideas, understand that it’s a decision we will make together, and we have not yet done so.  
More to come.

This is Part 2 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be kind?"

I saw this quote on one of those cheesy Facebook posts a few weeks ago.  I’d heard it before, but for whatever reason, it’s stuck with me this time.  It’s been gnawing at me.  

I have a bad attitude.  It’s affecting our relationship.  I’ve lost a part of myself that I really liked, and that I also believe D really liked.  I’ve made a private effort at getting it back, and have failed. And so last week, I presented to My Love, clumsily and with much embarrassment, the idea of Domestic Discipline (DD).

No, I am not talking about the typical type of erotic dominance/submission that you see most often here on Tumblr.  This is not fantasy or role playing.  I’m talking about allowing him to be the respected leader of our household.  I’m talking about becoming a softer, sweeter, and kinder person.  And I’m talking about real consequences for lapsing back into my old habits.  Yes, it involves spanking.  No, it is not primarily about sex (more on that gray area in a later post). 

D is naturally dominant, though he’s not yet convinced of this fact.  And while I’m not naturally submissive, I am naturally drawn to his dominance and masculinity in a way that softens me, and makes me feel whole.  It is the reason I am head over heels for him in a way that I’ve never been for anyone else.  After reading (and reading and reading, as is my nature), I have come to believe that DD could work for us well, make us both happier, and bring a different level of peace to our home. 

As I mentioned though, I presented the idea with much stuttering, into his armpit in the darkness.  I’m a bright, strong, independent, grown woman… to ask to be taken in hand by a man is not the easiest thing I’ve ever done.  I did not do it eloquently.  Naturally he has valid questions, concerns, and fears.  Rather than just forwarding him the giant pile of links to all of the blogs and research that has led me down this path of thinking, I’d rather try to organize my own thoughts here first. 

I’ll probably break this into several posts, because otherwise it’s going to be very long and generally unmanageable.  I also welcome your comments in my ask box… but please keep it constructive.  Keep in mind that I am not asking for him to be domineering, to treat me like less than his equal, to abuse me physically or emotionally, to infantilize me or treat me like a child, or to use his authority to manipulate me in unhealthy or selfish ways.  This is not abuse.  This is a willing and consensual transfer of power.  Please also understand that this is only under consideration at this point.  Though I may slip into the present tense as I’m describing my ideas, understand that it’s a decision we will make together, and we have not yet done so. 

More to come.

This is Part 1 of a series. Click here to see all posts.
Friends, I have won an internal battle with myself—one that was contributing to my silence here for the past few months.   I quit posting this winter, and have only half-heartedly gotten back to it this spring, for several reasons.  One of those reasons was that I was using this blog as a way to communicate with D about things when I couldn’t figure out how to do it in person.  I decided that was a crutch, and terribly cowardly of me… besides, often the delay between my writing and his reading made it just generally ineffective anyway… so I stopped.  But I’ve had some big things to talk to him about lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I almost gave up and spilled them into one huge post here. I’ve got the drafts to prove it.  But I resolved to dig a little deeper and conjure up some bravery in myself.  I decided that he deserved to hear it all first, before the internet, and to hear it straight from me.  I pulled words from myself and initiated a conversation that was difficult and embarrassing. And I didn’t die. Yes, I did it in the dark, laying in bed with my face buried in his armpit… but I did it.I also figured out that the root of this crutch is twofold.  Yes I’m shy, easily embarrassed, and, to a point, cowardly.  But also, I really do communicate more clearly in writing.  He loves it when I get tongue-tied in front of him, and I should not deny him the joy of watching me fumble and blush as I search for words… but there comes a point where I have to put fingers to the keyboard if I want to make sure he understands what I mean.  I’ve done the hard work and fessed up to my ideas—clumsily.  He may think I’ve gone mad.  And so now, I have to explain them better here.  And believe you-me, I have some ‘splainin to do. 
…to be continued

This is Part 1 of a series. Click here to see all posts.

Friends, I have won an internal battle with myself—one that was contributing to my silence here for the past few months.   I quit posting this winter, and have only half-heartedly gotten back to it this spring, for several reasons.  One of those reasons was that I was using this blog as a way to communicate with D about things when I couldn’t figure out how to do it in person.  I decided that was a crutch, and terribly cowardly of me… besides, often the delay between my writing and his reading made it just generally ineffective anyway… so I stopped.  But I’ve had some big things to talk to him about lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I almost gave up and spilled them into one huge post here. I’ve got the drafts to prove it.  But I resolved to dig a little deeper and conjure up some bravery in myself.  I decided that he deserved to hear it all first, before the internet, and to hear it straight from me.  I pulled words from myself and initiated a conversation that was difficult and embarrassing. And I didn’t die. Yes, I did it in the dark, laying in bed with my face buried in his armpit… but I did it.

I also figured out that the root of this crutch is twofold.  Yes I’m shy, easily embarrassed, and, to a point, cowardly.  But also, I really do communicate more clearly in writing.  He loves it when I get tongue-tied in front of him, and I should not deny him the joy of watching me fumble and blush as I search for words… but there comes a point where I have to put fingers to the keyboard if I want to make sure he understands what I mean.  I’ve done the hard work and fessed up to my ideas—clumsily.  He may think I’ve gone mad.  And so now, I have to explain them better here.  And believe you-me, I have some ‘splainin to do. 

to be continued